My friends and I joked that one of us would make this blog before leaving our picturesque, safe and civilised and vacuous bubble or Bath, Somerset. At the time, we all liked to think we were pretty wordly despite our middle class backgrounds. I think it still applies, more so now 'post-maga' than ever before.
Basically, I think you are probably reading this pre- Magaluf or because you have been, like me, and you cannot quite get it out of your system. 100%. I've just finished my A-levels, been given the whole 'right of passage ' talk from my older, more worldly 21 year old brother and felt I had a lot to prove by going. I've proved it. In fact I think everyone who doesn't sleep with 40 people in a week, who hasn't tangoed themselves pre- trip, who knows the difference between intellect and illiterate, who knows that Palma Cathedral is immense and gorgeous and pretty bloody awesome....not the 'Eastenders bar' across from your hotel which was handpicked from Peckham, deserves something bigger than the duty free on Easyjet. I was called a joke in the street by some charmer I think possibly because I walking...not crawling... and wasn't exposing more than my legs. I apologise.
We discovered there is no such thing as Magaluf social ettiquette. What would it be...anti social ettiquette? Don't wear heels, I think, was as far as it extended. Going to B.C.M in sandals, the infamous B.C.M, the B.C.M as in the seventh biggest club in the world, the biggest in Europe with a capacity of 5000 people, is the sensible thing to do. You might lose toe nails, if you're precious I would invest in walking boots (basically be a hermit for a night and don't venture to this place), but I repeat don't go in flip flops. Unless you don't mind seeing said flip flops on some drunken Liverpudlian who has collasped on the beach seven hours later with let's say, much more than vomit around his feet. As far as B.C.M goes too, I would find a small bag or something...let's not pretend you're likely to have pockets, and take a phone. You won't need money as it's a free bar. Some of my friends didn't take a phone so if you're worried about losing someone, a likely proposition, take a phone. Just watch where people's hands go when the smoke machines go off.
You have presumely booked your hotel or are looking at things to book. I'm not sure if I'd advocate reading reviews on any places you were interested in. Their usefulness is probably limited but they should give you a grounding on the truth. What we discovered was everyone has different 'standards'. Clearly, in the case of our hotel, the reviewers were fine with cockroaches due to the fact the infestation wasn't mentioned. I wasn't a huge fan but they were a hit with our neighbours- 'dose tings are feking raapiid!'. Speaking of neighbours in the hotel, I would recommend making friends on your corridor. Sounds a bit trivial but, if you're going in a small group like we were, it was useful to have 'allies' either to prelash with or just to feel safer. Make sure they are the genuine type who have your back...there are not too many of those out there in Maga.
Out on the strip, its an assault on the senses, much like India is I imagine but with some indescribale undesirables. If you don't want to be hasseled by promoters, and hassel you they will, (poor people get fired if said harassment doesn't take place), keep your eye on something. And carry on moving. Keep mobile...I only had to get 'lairy' with one man who grabbed me and tried forcibly to take me into his bar, separating me from my friends. Once again, should that happen and you blush at the fact you swore at a stranger, remember you're just a statistic here and there is not room to play nice and submissive but there is room to play civilised and assertive. However, listen to some of them and haggle with them. They usually sucumb if you're genuinely interested in coming to their bar and you can usually get a few euros knocked off. Sometimes, it pays that the ratio of men to girls is 5:1.
None of the reviews we read of Magaluf warned us about the prostitution there. I felt pretty naive when I got there and found it so prominent on nights out that I just hadn't thought about it before. The women we saw littered the streets off the strip, usually of North African origin. My friend said she'd heard a man talking about it on the flight over. Obviously keep your distance from them, they give men more attention but they've been known to attack girls if you cross them.
Unfortunately, some of my friends had their things pinched on the beach when they went swimming on a night out. Sounds obvious and my friends are switched on, but if you decide to do this, keep your stuff somewhere you can see it and be ready to get out very, very quickly if your suspicions are aroused. My friends had phones, cards and money taken and were able to cancel cards but it caused a bit of a issue and put a little downer on the trip. Or just don't go swimming. The beach is rich pickings for thieves who target drunken Brits in the sea at night.
This brings me to the unfortunate policing situation out in Magaluf. Hardly corrupt yet unashamingly uninterested, don't think you can rely on the police for anything remotely important. Granted us Brits do not show ourselves in the best light and dealing with the vast majority must be unpleasant but when my friends went to report the theft they made it extremely difficult even to report it. If you have a Spanish speaker who can act as a translator bring them to the station with you; of course everyone in Maga speaks English and the police aren't exempt from this but they will pretend they can't and will not let you into the establishment without a translator. Its not easy to find the Police station either- the best way is to ring a taxi and get them to bring you there. Even the Spanish we encountered weren't sure and suggested we went to Palma. Luckily our hotel, from past experiences, were very knowledgeable about this and informed us. Unfortunately once things are stolen from you, you are a statistic and you won't get it back, particularly when the police don't care.
Seen 'My Fair Lady?' 'The wuurer in maajorca dont taaste like it oughter?' Audrey wasn't lying to you. Drink bottled water, ask for things without ice and try not to eat that much salad at restaurants. The water is filthy. I know its difficult when you crave fresh veg after being bombarded with donna kebabs but still, keep away if you can.
As far as public transport and taxis go, they are a dream. We had two days where we couldn't bear the resort a moment longer so left for Palma. The buses, 104, 105, 106, were frequent and were 3 euros one way. Getting taxis around the resort is very cheap too and they are always punctual. It was very nice to visit something authentic and dine in places that had not been 'Blackpoolafied'.
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